The argument to end all fucking arguments.

I said this:
couldn't help but read your latest tumblr post. i dont know what tiffany and/or bobbi have been telling you, but i havent talked shit about them. i miss them terribly actually, but theres no going back for me. tiffany has made sure of that. and it sucks. it sucks a lot, but i guess ive accepted that. thats a lie. i havent. but im trying my damndest to. but ive tried to be a good person and all ive been getting is shit from tiffany, and not even to my face. im sure you heard about me gary and becca getting pulled over. im sure youve heard lots of things. i just wish you guys would talk to me instead of assume things. maybe its me thats doing the assuming. i just...want to know what youre thinking, i guess.

i dont even know why im typing this to you. i know im probably just going to end up in a pool of regret and anxiety. maybe im just taking everything the wrong way or something. who knows. thats usually the case.

anyways. im getting help. i think that you of all people would appreciate me getting off of my ass, even a little. you probably dont care, but im going to update you anyways. rachel moved into your old room. she's helping me with a lot. i dont tweak anymore. i dont even want to tweak anymore. i wont do acid for a while. haven't popped a pill in god knows how long. in fact, ive been totally sober for a while now. ive been applying to jobs. repairing the relationship with my sister. i plan on getting the fuck out of scv in a few months, once ive saved up enough money to buy my own car.

sigh. anywho, i really appreciated the quote you texted to me the other day. you should send it to me again, because it got deleted. im truly happy that new york is finally happening for you. its about damn time.

Sami said this:
hey. the stuff ive been hearing isnt really about you. you have been involved in a lot of negative things lately and yes its really made me look down on you. hayley disgusts me. multiple times shes said that tiffanys mom would be ashamed of the way shes living. it makes me sick. she goes around saying that and then turns around and does everything in her power to be her best friend. what the hell is so awesome about her life? what does her mom have to be proud of? its not like tiffany says to her "oh you know your sister would be really dissapointed in you." hayley does the SAME shit! the same drugs. in fact she buys her drugs from tiffany.
ive realized that i cant be youre friend because i cant stand the flakey side of you. i cant. it makes me sick when i hear about you hanging out with people ive heard you talk mad crap about. people who would fuck you over constantly. Like christina. a girl i judged mainly because of the light that you put her in. and yes i know its my job as an individual to make judgments on my own. but YOU were my friend. and i trusted your opinion.
back to drugs. you lied to me when you gave me that little update a few weeks ago. said then, before washington, that you were sticking to weed. ive heard many stories from the girls about you going with hayley to get acid. hanging out with all the tweakers. yes, i guess i should have asked you if you were doing it but honestly i thought youd lie to me. you had every reason to. you want me to think highly of you, that your getting better. that night after you told me about you over dosing and shit, when you said youd stopped doing other drugs, you bought bars from the girls! i felt betrayed. cause i believed you. i thought hey, she might be getting better, and you fucked me over again. like when you told all of us youd never tweak. and you did. you betrayed our friendship michelle.

listen... im really glad that youre doing what you can to get better. im glad that youve found friendship with hayley and janea or whatever. but i cant sit here and tell you its ok with me because its not. i wont condone what youve done.

I said this:
what in particular made you look down on me? im quite curious, as if thats a shock. but i agree about the hayley thing, and ive never ever said i condoned what her words. and i never will because insulting somebody's mother dead or alive is crossing lines and breaking boundaries that nobody should even step near. she had no right, no place saying that about tiffany's mother. youre completely right. and when she said that, i was horrified and repulsed. but tiffany is doing what ive done to others to hayley. she is acting completely two faced, and i really resent the fact that i always look like the bad guy when i do this but tiffany doesn't get any rap for it. she sells to hayley, and then talks badly about her behind her back yet all over facebook and tumblr she acts like absolutely nothing is wrong and that they have a working friendship!

its gunna take a while for me to get used to the fact that you cant be my friend because i change my mind so much. not gunna lie, that one stings. but to defend myself, i firmly believe that people can change. now people cant change unless they WANT to change, but i digress. which is why i can go from hating somebody at one point to being their friend again.

but the many stories about me going with hayley to get acid? ive only done acid 3 times. the first with you and everyone else, the second with gary and becca and the third with hayley. before i went to dc, i was doing god knows what. but ever since dc, the only drugs ive done have been vicodin (for cramps), the occasional xanax (you know how i feel about xanax), weed, and the acid with hayley. whoa whoa whoa, i havent bought bars from the girls in literally weeks! maybe my timing is off or something, but i can honestly tell you that i havent spent money on drugs in a very long time. i sincerely hope they didn't tell you otherwise because ive had one bar in my little pill case for weeks and weeks! i mean i went to dc armed with a full bar and 2 vicodin from my mother for me to use sparingly. which i did. i came home with one vicodin and 3/4 of a bar, which i still have in my little bag, sitting on top of my closet thing because those are for emergency use now only.

i dont expect you to tell me what ive done is okay, because i know it isnt. all i want is to be heard and understood, and to listen and understand. i want to do exactly what youve taught me to do, which is talk out my issues so we can move past them. am i making any sense? at all? because frankly, i feel like i sound insane. i know i'm practically satan to the three of you right now, but i plan on changing that. don't know how, but the first step is saying what i feel. and fighting. you said to me a while ago that i never fought for the friendship. and you know what, regardless of whether or not there is still a friendship left to salvage, i'm fighting. yeah its late and yeah it probably wont work, but at least im doing something about it instead of wallowing in self pity and turning into a catty little bitch like i usually do.

i plan on changing a lot of things. i just hate logging onto facebook and seeing the three of you because it breaks my heart but at the same time twists at my insides with this dull, sour throbbing. you know just as well as the girls that my friendship with hayley and janae doesnt pales in comparison to the one i have/had with you guys. in fact, im still completely alone. stuck in this shitty, poisonous town with nobody to listen to me. nobody to give me advice, nobody to motivate me. and i used to think of that as the worst thing that could ever possibly happen. i mean, you know how i dislike being by myself with nothing to do. im realizing now that this must be the universe's way of telling me that i need this time by myself to fix my shit. and im taking this chance. i just hope its enough to rid myself of my title as satan.

Sami said this:
selling to hayley is a completely different situation then what you do my dear. tiffanys just selling... its a business thing. she doesnt say hey lets hang out or anything. but then theres you, and i did it to hayley too, you use them. you didnt want to be friends with hayley, or at least thats what you had me believe, you used her for her liqour and bud! youre friends with whoever is convienent at the time michelle. whoever will benefit you more. and i look down on you for all your poor decisions because i know why you make them. not out of curiosity. but because you need to see how far you can push your limits. see how far the people around you will go to make you happy. to make you feel loved. well.... you pushed me tiff and bobby right out of those limits the second you tried meth.

and yes.... your timeline is wrong. you texted me before you went to washington saying you were done with drugs. you were just sticking to weed. in fact! i still have those texts because i wanted to see if you were gonna do it. i was going to hold you to it. i told tiffany about that and she told me that that very night you bought bars from bobby. i dont care how you feel about xanx. you told ME that you had stopped all of it. so you LIED. and personally. i dont like being lied to at ALL! and you miss read me. yes... many stories. one being you getting acid with hayley. the whole becca and gary thing. and HOLD ON A FUCKING SECOND! you just now stopped tweaking?!?!?! are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!?! you told me you were done after the first time you did it. that you hated the stuff!!!!! and yet here you are... doing it again? lying to me again? really michelle????

and you saying you have nobody... i just want to slap you ahaha. i know that you dont work the way i do and its whatever. but you can NOT rely on others to motivate you, for advice. you need to find that within yourself first. that quote i sent you... it also said happiness is not a destination... its a journey. you say youre not wallowing but obviously you still are if you being in scv bugs you. i regret most of my time spent in california mainly because i was doing nothing. of course now i realize what ive done wrong and i plan to make improvements. but you need to realize that you are the only one who can make you happy. not moving, not having the girls back, not drugs. you.

i cant get past your flakiness. i also cant get past your lying. youve done it too much. starting with all the times you went to simi without me and just told the girls i was with chris or something when i probably wasnt. and then all of the above which ive already gone over. then theres the whole... you stealing from the girls which im not ok with. i think you lied to me about all of that. i wouldnt put it past you.
i just dont like the person ive discovered... because youre not a person. you are an actor. i dont even know the real you michelle. you put on all these masks so that no one can get to know you so that you cant get hurt. you dont want half the things you say you want. you just believe that you should act that way because youll get a response.
this is all over the place. sorry.

also... were getting close to october... dont forget to do your community service and pay your fee.

I said this:
well of course selling is different. tiffany and bobbi's entire life is revolved around selling drugs. trading drugs, getting drugs, selling drugs to make money for more drugs. i really hate that you judge me for doing drugs but not the girls.

and with the meth, aha, okay. message received. you arent my friend anymore. tiffany isnt my friend anymore. bobbi isnt my friend anymore. correct?

no, i stopped tweaking long before i left for dc. and when i say i have nobody, i mean a true best friend. and maybe youre right, maybe its my own damn fault for being so flakey, but i cant help it. i cant. ive tried to hold a grudge but nobody holds a grudge like you sami. nobody has as much pent up anger as you.

any time i went to simi, it was because i needed to get away from YOU. believe it or not. and whatever i told the girls at the time was the truth. that i couldnt stand you and chris all the time, that you were making me feel like shit and/or we were fighting and i just needed alone time with the first girls i felt kinship with since high school.

of course im an actor, sami. and so are you! but THAT is the real me! constantly changing, not wanting to stop. and as for the masks, everyone puts up a mask. you just happen to call them walls and you put them up for the same reason i wear the masks. to keep from getting hurt. so dont you dare come at me and call me a bad person for not wanting to get hurt when everybody does it.

you dont need to apologize for being all over the place. we both know thats how i am, and i completely understand it.

and thanks for the reminder. i'm on top of it though. like i said i would be. i'm switching from the park to the senior center. yayy, smelly old people. haha.

Sami said this:
there lives do not revolve around selling trading and doing drugs michelle. and the fact that you think that shows that youre not a friend to them.
my whole point about the tweaking thing is that you did it after you told me you wouldnt when i was still in cali. you lied.
and yes... i can hold a grudge. yes i have pent up anger. its because ive been screwed over too many times by people i trusted. so im making sure that doesnt happen. i believe people change, and i believe in forgivness. i just think you give it away too easily. you set yourself up to be hurt again. but thats you and you have every right to do that.
your issue with chris and i was absurd. even though he didnt like you he worked at trying to make you comfortable because he knew we were friends. i honestly dont understand what the big fucking deal was and you were never able to tell me. you hated him and yet at the raves he attended you were ALL over him. please explain that to me michelle? is it because you thought he liked it? that he liked you? i remember the story you told me about you and him in that closet the one time and from the sound of it you reeeeeally liked him. it must of sucked when you found out he couldnt stand you. that james and all of them wanted to hang out with me and not you. when it came to chris i feel like you were just like brooke. hurt that he didnt really want you and jealous of what him and i had.
and besides the chris thing i dont know what the hell youre talking about with us fighting. we didnt start fighting untill the end there. you went to see the girls behind my back constantly. probably because you didnt want me to get close to them.
im making a lot of assumptions. and you can go ahead and try to "correct" me. but i wont believe you. =/

im sick of explaining myself. youre not getting what im telling you. youre taking everything wrong. my point about you being an actor is that you take on different roles with different people. your fake!

I said this:
okay, maybe their lives dont revolve around the drugs but they sure do play a big role, and that you cant deny. what i dont get is that you get so angry with me for doing xanax or popping some other pill when a)tiffany and bobbi do it practically every day and b)youve done it! the point is mute though, i guess.

so i lied. i'm sorry. i did what i did and i cant change that. i'm sorry. and i think youre right. about me setting myself up to get hurt again. yeah i mean i guess i have every right to do that but dont think for a second thats what i want! do you think i want to let myself get hurt? do you really think that *anyone* wants that? fuck no! i want to be on top! i want things to go my way, i want to be able to make a simple phone call or say exactly what i truly want or go to class without having a panic attack! i want just a smidge of that confidence that you have. i want to be able to truly believe in, like and even love myself! but i cant. theres a big, thick wall blocking me and i dont know how to knock it down. i guess im weak.

the issue with chris doesnt exist anymore. at all. im being completely honest with you when i say my issue wasnt with just chris. it was with you too. it was me being jealous and pissy that you were spending so much time with him, not to mention i had to hear it practically every day. so yeah, im admitting that i was a jealous little girl but not because i liked him! jesus christ! i was jealous because i thought you were the closest thing to a best friend that i had, and i just assumed that you felt about me the same way i felt about you. it was my own damn fault for putting you up on a pedestal like that, i realize that now. i dont think you know this, but i fucking worshipped you!! i tried taking after you, learning from you, and i spent a lot of time looking up at you on this pedestal.

as for the raves, we were all on drugs! duh! and the reason i was "all over him"? drugs! once again, duh! im sorry i offended you, but you couldve told me and i wouldve knocked it off. i was being friendly. at a point, i thought we were going to be this great little group of friends, you me and chris. once again, putting you and now chris onto this pedestal of hopes and wishes that fell flat on it's ass. and yes i wasnt his biggest fan, but that was me working on it. and we just so happened to be at a rave, rolling balls! the closet story was this and exactly this. we got locked in a closet, he wanted to makeout and i was a total chickenshit! after that, there was maybe some flirting but nothing ever became of it because i never had feelings for him. end of story.

and no, it didnt suck when i "found out" that he/they didn't like me. don't be mean. ive known that for a while, but they are just like me! flaky as shit, especially when it come to friends i mean honestly where did you think i got it from? and as for your information, they couldnt stand you at some point either so stop kicking me while i'm down. thank you.

when i say "us fighting" i mean whenever i got offended or hurt or mad at you for any reason whatsoever. thats when i would go to tiffany and bobbi because who else could i talk to about it? i eventually talked to you about it, but when i get hurt/pissed in some way, i need to vent. you take me venting as talking shit, but i hardly mean the shit that falls out of my mouth. thats how i express my anger. i never went behind your back. i told you i went to simi. and yes, i didnt want you to get closer with them than me because i thought i had finally found the two best friends that i had been waiting for my entire fucking life. i couldnt believe it, i was in awe for the longest time. and then i decided that hey, sami is moving in with me. if i were in her position, i wouldnt want to be left alone. so i introduced you to them because thats exactly what i would want somebody to do for me.

how is taking on different roles with different people fake? i cant act the same around everyone because sometimes i'm really inappropriate. i do things that are acceptable to some people but blasphemous to others! im trying to respect boundaries, while at the same time i get to be all over the place. im sorry you see it as fake.

And finally, with that last message, I feel like I've been able to say what's been in my head for months and months.